A New Light

The last few months have been hard. I think Jefferson Bethke best puts my emotions into words when he said "I was lonely, I was anxious, I had no motivation, I didn't even want to get out of bed...Its like this mist or this dark fog that you can't seem to swim out of. It's as if the more you fight it, the more it swallows you"

Over the last several months it seemed that all I had been doing was crying out to God desperately to take away this burden on my heart. My journal was filled with words like "hurt, lonely, confused, frustrated, anxious, sad, angry, hopeless, discouraged, disappointed, regretful, tired, and fearful" I felt broken and like nothing was going to fix it. 

Finally I said goodbye to everything and everyone for a short while to actually spend some intentional time focusing on the only thing that was going to help me at this point, my relationship with the Lord. I had a three hour quiet drive that was spent between me and God, and it felt like the first time in far too long that I could actually hear myself think again. 

November 11th after another quiet morning between me and the Father I wrote this in my journal

"Praise the Lord.

Realized so much today.

1. I was entirely relying on my own strength for every aspect of my life rather than Gods strength that he has promised me.

2. Rather than praying things through, I was trying to think things through because I wanted to hold on and continue controlling situations I desperately needed to give up. I truly became honest with God and found in Him, total surrender. He took my burdens away from me. 

The weight on my heart is gone along with my desire to walk a path of my own design for my life. 

God is sovereign, I will trust in his goodness.

3. People kept telling me I would eventually see the purpose of this suffering. The valley just seemed so deep and so dark and I truly could not see the end of it. I do now. I see the gospel and scripture in a new light. I feel the pursuit of God through His word in a way that I never did before. Maybe that was the purpose of this suffering. I have a new look on life now. Ephesians 1: 17-18 says "I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you" 

It was so hard.

But now I understand how much I needed to learn. I am thankful for this valley and I am so thankful for a God that teaches me and reveals himself to me.